Improving as a Husband

In Ephesians 5 we discover four basic instructions about how you are to love and care for your wife. If you want to improve as a husband learn the Biblical principles in this passage. Learn how to love your wife as God intended.

There was a man on a beach. He picked up something that looked like a jar. He started rubbing it to clean it off and a genie appeared.

The genie said, “I will grant you one wish.” The man, standing on the beach said, “I wish could go to Hawaii. However, I don’t want to fly because I’m afraid of heights and I don’t want to go by ship because I’ll get sea sick. So, build me a rod all the way from this beach to Hawaii. The genie thought for a moment and said, “I can’t do that. It’s too hard. It’s too difficult. The water is too deep to put supports on the road. You are asking me to do an impossible task.” The genie then asked, “Do you have any other wish?”

The man thought, “Well, I wish that you would give me the ability to understand my wife.”

The genie stared at him with the look of deep thought on his face and then asked, “Is that two lanes or four lanes you want?”

God is more concerned about you loving your wife than He is about you understanding your wife.

Men, sometimes it may seem easier to build a road to Hawaii than it is to understand your wife. But, let me say this, God is more concerned about you loving your wife than He is about you understanding your wife. Your focus is to love her, whether you understand her or not.

Spiritual Leadership: You are to guide your family spiritually

The first principle deals with spiritual leadership. God has given you the responsibility to guide your family spiritually. Look carefully at Ephesians 5:23 which says, “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church” (HCSB). The husband is described as the “head.” The head gives direction and leadership to the body. The idea behind this verse is the husband is to give direction and leadership to his wife and family.

According to 1 Corinthians 14 your wife should be able to come to you with spiritual questions, theological applications, and life questions.[1] You should be her spiritual counselor, advisor, and coach. You are the spiritual leader and motivator of your home. This implies that you are in the Word and growing in it. You are understanding the truths of it along with its applications and implications.

You not only are supposed to be a spiritual leader for your wife, but you are to be a spiritual leader for your kids as well. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord” (NLT). This implies that you know the Lord and you are growing in His Word. You are going to teach or instruct them what God’s Word says and then you are going to train them and show them how to live it out and apply it to their life. While they are in your home you are their spiritual professor and trainer.

As a husband, you are your family’s spiritual coach, advisor, guide, trainer, and professor. You are the “head” of the home. God’s design for you is that you be the head of the home, the leader and initiator of the spiritual growth, development and direction of your marriage and family. You can do this. God has given you His Spirit inside you to help you and the Word of God to guide you.

Sacrificial Love: You are to devote your life to your wife

The second principle for you as a husband deals with sacrificial love. You are to devote your life to your wife. Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her…” (HCSB). Husbands, we are told to love our wives. Our example of how we love our wife is Jesus’ love for the church and how He sacrificed Himself for her. Our love is a sacrificial love. There are two things about this sacrificial love we need to understand.

We sacrificially love our wife even if they don’t deserve it

Remember, our example of loving our wife is Jesus on the cross. We are to love our wives “just as Christ loved the church.” When Jesus was sacrificing Himself on the cross He was giving up His life for sinners. Romans 5:8 says, “God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!” When Christ was on the cross He was dying for people who were rejecting Him, mocking Him, and denying Him. His love was a sacrificial and gracious love. He was expressing love to those who weren’t very loving. Some of those sinners Jesus was dying for would eventually make up the church.

As husbands, we are to love our wives in the same way. Listen carefully, as a husband you are not commanded to love your wife because of what she is or is not. You are commanded to love her because it is God’s will for you to love her. It is certainly intended for you to admire and be attracted by her beauty, kindness, gentleness, or any other positive quality or virtue. But though such things bring great blessing and enjoyment, they are not the bond of marriage. If every appealing characteristic and every virtue of your wife disappears, you are still under just as great an obligation to love her. If anything, you are under greater obligation, because her need for the healing and restorative power of your selfless love is greater. That is the kind of love Christ has for His church and is therefore the kind of love every Christian husband is to have for his wife.

Why do you do this? Why do you sacrificially love her? This takes us to our next observation.

We sacrificially love our wife for her spiritual development

Look at Ephesians 5:25 again, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word” (HCSB). I liked the way John MacArthur described this aspect of the husband’s love for his wife. He wrote, “Love wants only the best for the one it loves, and it cannot bear for a loved one to be corrupted or misled by anything evil or harmful. When a husband’s love for his wife is like Christ’s love for His church, he will continually seek to help purify her from any sort of defilement. He will seek to protect her from the world’s contamination and protect her holiness, virtue, and purity in every way. He will never induce her to do that which is wrong or unwise or expose her to that which is less than good” (MacArthur Commentary: Ephesians, p. 300). This sacrificial love is for her spiritual development.

This brings us to our third aspect of a husband’s love for his wife.

Sanctifying Love: You are to help your wife reach her potential

Third, you are to have a sanctifying love for your wife. In other words, you are to help your wife reach her potential. You are to help her to grow spiritually. You are to help her grow from being a spiritual infant to a spiritual child to a spiritual young adult and finally to being a spiritual parent.[2] Back to Ephesians 5:25 which says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless” (HCSB, vs. 25-27). One of the things that Jesus does for us is to sanctify us. He helps us to grow spiritually. The goal of sanctification is to transform us from something we are into something we ought to be, so that we think differently, act differently, talk differently, behave differently, and react differently… becoming more and more like Christ. The Lord is working in your life to help you live holy and cleansing out old habits that are left over from your old nature.

There are a lot of implications here for the husband but let me point out one: The husband is to function as his wife’s pastor.

As the head of the home, you are the pastor and shepherd of your home. It is your responsibility to help your wife grow spiritually and become the person God created her to be. One of the ways you do this is to “cleanse her with the washing of water by the word.” What does that mean? What does that look like? That is a symbolic expression with deep meaning. Just as Jesus uses God’s Word to guide us and protect us and to cleanse us of the worldliness in our lives, you as a husband are to use God’s Word in the same way. When you give Biblical counsel to your family you are spiritually washing them. When you help clarify a truth, apply a truth to your marriage and family you are washing more and more of the dirt off their spiritual lives.

Think of it this way, this is a bath not a power hose wash. You are not strapping them down and using the power hose of God’s Word on them. This is a spiritual bath by a loving husband.

Remember this, you are the head of that home. You are the pastor. You are the shepherd of your marriage and family. Embrace it as an opportunity and privilege.

Sensitive Love: You are to care for your wife’s needs

The final principle for you as a husband deals with a sensitive love. You are to care for your wife’s needs. Ephesians 5:28 says, “In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church” (HCSB, vs. 28-29). Let me quickly highlight a couple of things here.

The word “provides” means to nourish or feed. To nourish a wife is to provide for her needs. This can mean many things such as food, shelter, and clothing. But it can also mean encouragement, counsel, companionship and the like. You are the provider for her needs. God will use you to provide for many of the needs in your wife’s life.
The word “cares” means tenderness. To care for your wife is to use tenderness towards her. When she is hurting you are compassionate. When she is discouraged you are encouraging. When she needs a hug, you hug her. When she needs someone to listen, you listen. You express love toward her by caring for her.

You demonstrate a sensitive love toward her by providing and caring for her.

Take it Home

I have given you four things to seriously consider as a husband.

You are to be the spiritual leader of your home. You are the coach, counselor and advisor. Take your family from point A to point B. Lead them.
You are to demonstrate a sacrificial love for your wife. She needs to know and see that her husband has, is, and will give up his agenda, plans, and hobbies for her. She needs to know that you are devoted to her.
You are to demonstrate a sanctifying love and be the pastor of your home. Pray for your family, teach God’s Word to your family, and give your family Biblical advice when asked. Oversee and shepherd your family.
You are to express a sensitive love toward your wife that feeds and cares for her mind, soul, and body.

Before we wrap this up I want to say a word to the wives. Ladies, if your husband falls way short of what has been mentioned here today don’t criticize him or nag him about becoming better. If he was here today, he heard what I said and he saw what the Bible says. You pray for him, encourage him, and be his cheerleader and his help mate.

I realize the husbands here today want to be better husbands. They want to love their wife better. They want to lead their families well. They want to honor God in their homes more.

To become the man God wants you to be and to become the husband and dad God wants you to be you need to have Jesus Christ as the Lord of your life. He needs to be your Lord so He can be your leader. You need to have His Spirit inside you.

[1] 1 Corinthians 14:34-35, “Women should be silent during the church meetings. It is not proper for them to speak. They should be submissive, just as the law says. If they have any questions, they should ask their husbands at home, for it is improper for women to speak in church meetings” (NLT). Don’t get loss in the details of this passage. Notice the principle of the wife being able to go to her husband with questions. My point is, the wife should feel comfortable and confident in her husband’s spiritual wisdom.

[2] For a description of the five stages of spiritual growth see Jim Putman’s book, “Real Life Discipleship.”